It’s been a couple days since I’ve written. I can tell
without even having to look at dates. There are words and thoughts and stories
tumbling around inside of me with no way of escape except through my somewhat reluctant
fingertips. It’s a little overwhelming when this happens. I don’t know where to
start or what is most important that absolutely needs said. Right now.
Two things top the charts, I believe. The first is love
and the valuableness of it. The second is going to be saved for another time. Ha.
Look at you thinking I was going to deal with two issues at once.
Anyway, in conversation with some of my best people, I
came to the realization that I believe my love, the love that I’m capable of
giving out, is not worth as much as the love others can give. I’m not saying
that I give less love, because, really, how can that be measured. What I’m
saying is that my love, my love, is
not as good, valuable, and worthy as the love others give. My thought is that it
would be better for someone to fill their love-bucket from another wellspring.
Because mine isn’t good enough. It’s been contaminated by life. People have
thrown rocks and mud into my love-well and it’s dirty and messy, not as pure
and clean. Who would want that yucky, second-rate love going into their sparkly
clean love-buckets? There’s plenty of better love to be found elsewhere.
Where does this idea come from? Annoyingly enough, it
seems to go back to my ideas of not being good enough and not being worthy. Of
anything good. Ideas that I thought I’d dealt with and conquered. Apparently
not. Well, whatever. They should be quicker to deal with the second, third, and
fourth time around, right? I’m hoping so. Guess I’ll start tattooing my God-given
word - WORtHY - back on my wrist.
As a whole though, I’m trying to take this issue, this
idea of my love being less, back to scripture. I’m not really finding what I’m
looking for. I suppose I’ll have to keep looking, thinking, and praying on
this. Any ideas or divine inspiration?
-Cynic Ninja
