Barbed Wire Heart

When I was young,

I wrapped my heart in barbed wire

and nailed the door shut

before walking away.

Years passed.

The nails became rusty.

Some fell out on their own.

Others were melted by love.

Now, I think I might be ready.

To risk exposing my heart.

To open the door.

But when I pulled back the heavy barrier,

I found that,

as I’d grown older,

my heart had accepted the wire protection as natural

and grew around the points and barbs.

In an instant,

I recognized the truth.

I know longer knew how to let people close

without hurting them.

Because, while my mind said “it’s okay,”

my heart was still beating

to the thrum of fear.

-Cynic Ninja

Untitled

Love.
It's not the falling that kills you,
but the sudden stop at the end.

-Michael Xavier

Hidden Secrets

We were together for two hours.

I talked for twenty seven of those minutes.

Ninety three minutes of silence, you listened.

The whole time,

I was hoping you’d be able to look in my eyes

and read what I could never say aloud.

The whole time,

I was hoping the pain in my heart

would be visible only to  you.

Did you read the lines of pain?

Were you able to decipher the fine print

and discover my haunting secrets?

We were together for two hours.

You listened to my silence

and heard my unspoken pain.

-Cynic Ninja

Sleep?

It's 2:01 and I'm as awake as if it were noon.
An hour later,
sleep is overrated, right?


-CN

Crazy Life

Tired crazy.

Exhaust crazy.

Homework,

back pain,

headache,

long lists,

too much to do crazy.

Sleep.

Refreshed crazy.

Energy crazy.

Repeat like crazy.

-Cynic Ninja

Second Thoughts?

I know you say you don’t think less

and really, I want to believe you.

But there’s all these voices banging around inside my head

telling me that can’t be true.

How could you see with new eyes

what I was and not turn away?

How could you say love

once you saw the brokenness

you were loving?

You made a mistake.

It’s okay, I forgive you.

You couldn't have known the

mess you were stepping into.

-CN

Constant Corrections

Anger bubbling, hot and thick
like caramel sauce on a stove top.

Teeth clenched tight.
Legs radiating waves of tension.

Did you hear a question in any of my words?
Did you think I asked for your help?

Stay out of my business, Sir.
I wasn't talking to you.

Damn fool, always trying to fix me.
Focus on someone else.

Go look in the mirror.
There's plenty of fixing that can happen there.

Our Yesteryears

The time has come to say goodbye.

Au revoir black tropical.

Adiós college memories.

Mooi loop Alberta and west adventure dreams.

M’a ssalama to fancied up memories from the past.

You all had a place.

You all had a reason.

You all are no more.

Stay in history,

visit occasionally,

but know,

your time is past.

Don’t haunt me.

Adieu…



-Cynic Ninja

Daring

Little yellow flags blow and flap

in a straight line

along the road.

For a split second,

I think it’s a family of nine ducks

out for a dangerous midnight walk. 

-Cynic Ninja

Untitled

Don't talk to me again unless your words are more than

just sound waves leaving your mouth.

-Cynic Ninja

The Physical Mad

I’m angry. I need to be broken. I want, desperately, to be broken. 

I want to be run and pushed and forced

past the absolute point of exhaustion that I break.

That I fall on the ground in a wet, sweaty, sobbing heap.

I need to get the feelings out and the only way that’ll happen,

I’m afraid,

is if I’m broken.

Like a stubborn horse before joining up.

I want to beat something, or someone, up.

I want to physically wrestle someone

where I don’t need to worry about hurting them.

And they don’t need to be afraid of hurting me because it’s as necessary as breathing.

It’s part of the process.

Any volunteers?

I have so much anger inside of me.

So much mad and hurt.

I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m not sure where to hide it all.

The archives and back rooms of my heart are getting full.

It’s spring.

Maybe spring cleaning time?

Should I just set all my Mad out on the curb and tack a free sign to it?


-Cynic Ninja

Untitled

April 13, 2014; 10:58pm

I sit down here to write 

                                       and 

suddenly have nothing at all to say. 

-Cynic Ninja

Blind Trust

How did I forget that not everyone’s yes

means the same as my yes?

How was I so easily fooled into believing someone

meant what was actually said?

How did I let my guard drop

and start hoping and trusting?

What a fool, little one.

What a blind fool.

-Cynic Ninja

On Dreams

If a job, hobby or love starts getting in the way or clouding your direction in life, stop. Take a deep breath. Reevaluate. If something starts making you question your calling, your Big Dream, no matter how good or right or possible it sounds, cut it back. Prune. Step back before you lose all sound judgment and reasoning. Ask people you trust. Talk to people who know and have seen what your Big Dream does to your heart and soul. Don’t lose focus. People will talk. Ignore it. Their Big Dream isn't yours. Yours isn't theirs. 

And that, my Dear, is a good thing. 

-Cynic Ninja

Explode

I'm much too young to be feeling
        nothing
and
           everything
all at once.


-Cynic Ninja

Breeze

Listen more.
Speak less.

The wind has something to say.
If you're listening,
it just might change your life.


-Cynic Ninja

Beautiful Want

I saw something beautiful tonight.

I saw unadulterated love,

for the first time.

I saw a smile that was pure,

trusting, and honest.

I had to look away

for fear I might sully the beauty.

What I saw gave me hope

but left me with fear.

Hope that there is love left.

Fear that it’s not for me.

I know what to look for now.

I want someone who will look at me

with total unashamed honesty

emblazoned across the face.

I will look for someone who wants me

so badly they can’t keep

the want contained.

It bubbles out of them

unhindered and audacious.

Sweeping up all the hopes

and dreams and love of this world.

And depositing it all,

like fuel,

in my heart

-Cynic Ninja

Holes

My insides feel like broken pieces.
Like there's not enough laminin to keep
everything held together.
Little glass shards poking and pricking my heart and lungs.

One day, I'll end up with a collapsed lung;
maybe a hole in my heart,
and everyone will look around like idiots,
arguing with each other about who's to blame.

They won't understand
that it wasn't any one face.
It wasn't any one word.
Any one action.

It was an accumulation
of a lifetime of words.
An accumulation of actions.
One on top of the other,
breaking down the insides
and secret places of the heart.

I can't blame them.
They didn't realize the power
they held.
Didn't know their strength.
They didn't understand how much better
it is to show love instead hate.

Maybe now they'll realize.
Maybe now they'll save a life
instead of taking one.


-Cynic Ninja

Wandering...

Mentally 

Somewhere

Else.

-Cynic Ninja