Brother

I hide my tears when I say your name
but the pain in my heart is still the same.

Though I smile and seem carefree,
there's few who miss you more than me.



-Cynic Ninja

Noises

It rained all morning.
A nice, steady perfect-for-the-crops rain.
Lots of it.
The cricket trapped inside my house sure was happy.
The bird in the cage was in a pleasant mood.
I wasn't.

I couldn't concentrate with the bird chirping and the cricket calling;
and the mess on the table and dishes needing done, floors to be swept, and spider webs drifting about.

But, it rained.
And that was nice.
A washing away of the old and a starting new.

So, I put away the dishes and cleaned off the table.
Organized.
Swept the floors.
Dusted the corners.

And the noises stopped
and I could concentrate once more.




-Cynic Ninja

Making it Count

It's been two months and four days and there still are no words.
There are no words to describe the emptiness inside.

No words to tell of the sinking feeling when a Jeep goes past me on the highway and I know that will never be him. It's hard to focus on learning when you read the definition of Infarction and wonder and realize that's what happened. Nothing does justice in explaining the ache of seeing a Snap-on truck or the quick flick back to reality upon reaching for the phone to text.

Nothing.

We can fill our lives with busyness and everyone will think it's all good and okay. We go on and continue in the normal because we don't have a choice. But just know, it's not all good. It's not all okay. And that, I guess, is the one thing that is okay.

Because we are putting one foot in front of the other. Doing a little more this day, this week, and maybe a little less the next. But slowly, we are picking ourselves up. Slowly, we are moving. We're still here and we should make it count. We need to make it count.




-Cynic Ninja

Time of Great Need

In a time of great need, you hear "I'm here for you," and "Let me know if you ever need anything," among other phrases of the similar tone. These are kind and generous and willing people. Open-hearted, loving healers. What they might not realize is they most definitely are needed but we don't always know how to ask. And we most definitely don't have a clue what we need from them.

There's an issue here. We need them, but don't know how to let them know that. We know we need something, help maybe?  But don't know what that would look like and they might not even be able to give it. And obviously, since we never told them they're needed, they don't realize it.





-Cynic Ninja

Building

I understood myself
                         only after I destroyed myself.

And only in the process of fixing myself,

did I discover who
                         I really was.





-Cynic Ninja

You Are

You Are
All Words and Lyrics by Colton Dixon
From the album "The Messenger"


When I can't find the words 
To say how much it hurts 
You are the healing in my heart 
When all that I can see are broken memories 
You are the light that's in the dark 

You are the song, 
You are the song I'm singing
You are the air, 
You are the air I'm breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed
You are 

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands
You are the provider of my needs
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless
You are the rain that washes me

You are the song, 
You are the song I'm singing
You are the air, 
You are the air I'm breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed
You are 

If I had no voice, 
If I had no tongue, 
I would dance for you like the rising sun. 
And when that day comes and I see your face. 
I will shout your endless glorious praise. 

You are the song, 
You are the song I'm singing
You are the air, 
You are the air I'm breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed

Blank Spaces

When there are no words
and the heart is empty,
write blank spaces.

Fill pages with blank spaces.

Because sometimes,
what isn't said
says more than ten thousand words.





-Cynic Ninja

Eternal

What of this world is eternal?

Obviously not much of what you see around you.

But what do we spend our time on?

Our phones?

The computer?

Games?

What is eternal?

And how can we invest more of our time there? 

-Cynic Ninja

Countdown

It’s almost midnight on my last Tuesday as a single woman. Can I even use the word woman? I don’t feel like I’m old enough to have that title, yet. However, apparently I am because in exactly 3 days, 18 hours, 36 minutes, and 57 seconds, I will be walking across a bridge to the one I will spend the rest of my life. That’s a crazy thought. A very crazy thought. How in the world did this day come up so fast? It seems like only a few weeks ago this monumental day was just a blur in the distance. It’s upon me now, whether I’m ready or not. 

-Cynic Ninja

This Delicate Life

Life is fragile.

How often do you go through your day

and never realize there was a close call?

This grip we have on life is tenuous

and we aren’t even aware.

How quickly a beautiful day can turn gray.

How fast the sky can dump rain.

Tears are shed for things not understood.

Hearts hurt for those experiencing pain.

How disheartening is this way of life.

We try to control our corner of the world

but those we rub shoulders with,

we have no control.

What is the answer?

Do we put those we love in a steel cage?

Let them out only when we deem it’s safe to play?

Still, He determines the course of life,

and cage or no, life will happen according to His plan.

We have to be ready and accepting with grace.

-Cynic Ninja

Running and Writing

Running and writing are two things I can’t quit doing. Don’t let me. Running makes me feel better about myself. It gets the clutter and negative, clouding thoughts out. When I run, I am free. My mind is emptied of all the negative thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking. I drop them along the way and leave them there beside the road to wither. Go down any of my normal paths and you’ll see lots of bad stuff. Things like stupid, fat, ugly, fool, annoying, and complicated. You’ll see difficult, worthless, weird, not pretty, idiot, crybaby, average, and failure. All these and more, I drop along the side of the road. When I finish my run, I am free and ready to continue my day.     

Writing has the same effect but it happens in a different way. With writing, I deal with the thoughts. Instead of just getting rid of them, I sort them out; organize the whys and hows, the what-should-bes and find the truths. I put them down on paper. I erase and change and fix and ponder. I write some more, backspace, add, and keep writing. Why do I think this? When did I feel like that? What should I believe instead? I make sure my words say perfectly what I’m feeling and thinking and I set them free. Thoughts done. Mind clear. When I finish my writing, I am free and ready to continue my day.  

-Cynic Ninja

Different

A few quick moments snatched to write.

Not enough time left,

too much to do.

Mountains to climb.

Countries to explore.

Food to savor.

People to love.

All these can be done after,

                                                      they say.

I suppose,

                    she replied,

but it’s not the same.

Not the same at all.

It is different,

                              they replied,

           but different’s not bad.

Not bad at all.

-Cynic Ninja

....

I have less to say than I thought.





-Cynic Ninja

Lost

Somewhere along the way,

I lost the D in my signature.

In a few weeks,

I’m going to be losing the last half, as well.

If I seem lost or forget who I am,

remind me to look up.  

-Cynic Ninja

Boxing Up With Grace

Boxing up almost 24 years of life

and I’m wondering what to keep.

Do I save things that I don’t care about now

but once did?

They obviously had importance at one time.

Maybe they will again if given the chance.

I have 8 hats. Baseball hats, cowboy hats, cool artist painter hats.

I used to wear them…five years ago.

They’re dusty. They’re worn and the bills are perfectly curved.

One is from my Grandpa’s collection-Kreider Farms, PA.

Another says Nittany Lions. My mother’s Pennsylvania heritage.

I have a couple random camouflage hats,

two nice western cowboy hats….

I don’t know what to do.

Not with the hats.

The real issue isn’t about hats.

I already know I’m going to keep them all.

I’ll box them up and move them to my new home.

Maybe they’ll collect dust for another five years but by then,

I might be ready to say goodbye.  

The issue is about change and

moving forward and being willing to accept all that is to come.

It might be hard.

It probably will be hard.

But that’s okay.

Growing up is hard sometimes.

With His grace, we get through it

and continue to be a light in a new and different place.

With grace.

-Cynic Ninja

Contemplations on Lovewell

It’s been a couple days since I’ve written. I can tell without even having to look at dates. There are words and thoughts and stories tumbling around inside of me with no way of escape except through my somewhat reluctant fingertips. It’s a little overwhelming when this happens. I don’t know where to start or what is most important that absolutely needs said. Right now.

Two things top the charts, I believe. The first is love and the valuableness of it. The second is going to be saved for another time. Ha. Look at you thinking I was going to deal with two issues at once.

Anyway, in conversation with some of my best people, I came to the realization that I believe my love, the love that I’m capable of giving out, is not worth as much as the love others can give. I’m not saying that I give less love, because, really, how can that be measured. What I’m saying is that my love, my love, is not as good, valuable, and worthy as the love others give. My thought is that it would be better for someone to fill their love-bucket from another wellspring. Because mine isn’t good enough. It’s been contaminated by life. People have thrown rocks and mud into my love-well and it’s dirty and messy, not as pure and clean. Who would want that yucky, second-rate love going into their sparkly clean love-buckets? There’s plenty of better love to be found elsewhere.

Where does this idea come from? Annoyingly enough, it seems to go back to my ideas of not being good enough and not being worthy. Of anything good. Ideas that I thought I’d dealt with and conquered. Apparently not. Well, whatever. They should be quicker to deal with the second, third, and fourth time around, right? I’m hoping so. Guess I’ll start tattooing my God-given word - WORtHY - back on my wrist.

As a whole though, I’m trying to take this issue, this idea of my love being less, back to scripture. I’m not really finding what I’m looking for. I suppose I’ll have to keep looking, thinking, and praying on this. Any ideas or divine inspiration?  

-Cynic Ninja

Second Rate

I’m starting to wonder if anyone will even show up for my wedding. My bachelorette party was canceled due to people having other obligations/more-important things to do. A wedding shower never happened. Moreover, my own family is complaining about and refusing to attend a small family party being held tomorrow. It makes me want to cry. 

I don’t know why I’m so surprised by all this, though. It’s not anyone's fault and I don’t blame anyone. It’s just that, things with me are never a big deal. I’m always second rate, third best, and most forgotten. That’s simply how my world has always worked. I thought this time it would be different. After all, you do only get married once. I’m not asking the world to revolve around me; in fact, I don’t even want it to. That’s way too much pressure. I just wish that I’d get the same special treatment and attention as everyone else. Weddings are supposed to be a happy and joy-filled time and instead, I’m just sad. Still trying to Choose Happy, but it’s becoming harder and harder. 

-Cynic Ninja

Ignorance

You'd be

surprised

at the lengths

people will go

to not face

what's real and painful 

inside of themselves.

-Cynic Ninja

Exposed

In the dark, when nobody was watching

ran tears soft and slow.

They carve out courses down her cheeks

down her chin past her nose.

They dripped down like letters

spelling a jumble of confusion and pain.

She held her breath afraid

of what the words would have to say.

What horrible secrets would they reveal?

What hidden pain would be exposed?

She didn’t believe she was strong enough

to handle seeing all her sorrows.

When she looked down

she saw a lifetime of deep pain and hurt.

The tears had spelled the stories

of the words she was too afraid to speak.

-Cynic Ninja

Dream Chaser

Hopefully we all have dreams.

Anticipations

Aspirations

Things we would like to do

      or try

or accomplish.

Dreams of what life will look like.

The house

The husband

      The kids

                     The day to day

I have many.

So many that it’s overwhelming.

I don’t know where to start.

I’m afraid of making a mess of my hopes.

Falling short, being disappointed.

So, I hold back and wait for things to happen

               or not happen.

What if…there was a different way?

A better, more sure, way?

Matthew 6:33 “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness”

and Proverbs 16:3 says “Commit to the Lord whatever you do,

               and he will establish your plans.

God already has it figured out.

He has the Best Dream already in mind for us.

He’s waiting and wanting and willing

to guide us on this Dream Path of His.

We just need to seek

            ask

        pursue.

He has plans for good and not for disaster,

               plans to give a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11b).

Be a God-Dream Chaser. 

-Cynic Ninja

Perfect Pressing

Philippians 4:8

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

I’m starting to notice…noticing shapes, sizes, thin, thick, noticing bones. And comparing. So much comparing. And I find that I’m lacking. I’m not as thin as that girl. Not as tall as that one. My shoulder blades aren’t sticking out like hers and I bet you my hipbones aren’t either. Look at her stick thin legs. Why can’t mine look like that? If only I was taller, my proportions would be stretched out, everything would fit, and I’d look perfect. I want perfect. Again. I want perfect, again! How can I be wanting perfect? I thought I was over and done with that nonsense, abstract, ever-changing ideal. Apparently not.

So, will I try for perfect, once again? Will I spend lots of time and energy trying to attain something I already know doesn’t exist? Or will I press into the hard? Press into the hard work that is before me? The hard work of being and staying and becoming healthy? I know the “right” answer but that doesn’t mean that’s the answer I’ll choose.  

Seriously though, I thought this phase of my life was done and over with.  

-Cynic Ninja

Choosing Happy

Psalm 94:18-19

When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

I was doing some much needed cleaning in my room yesterday and came across a necklace I had made many months back. It’s a simple chain with a charm that reads Choose Happy. Choose Happy. Choose Happy. Choose Happy? What? Is that possible? Life doesn’t work that way, does it? Sounds nice in theory but in practice? If only it were that simple. I grabbed onto this as my current motto; slogan; watchword. I wear it around my neck and have it tattooed on my wrist. Choose Happy. In all the chaos and current stressors of life, I need the reminder that Happy can be a choice. Thankful can be a choice. And it can be a choice that I choose. Daily. It might not always look like I’m making that choice, and truthfully, you’re right, I’m probably not. But, I can try…and keep trying until I am purposefully and decisively Choosing Happy each day, every hour and minute. I Choose Happy.  

-Cynic Ninja   

Burdens of Life

I was cleaning my room and listening to a radio sermon broadcast. It was about burdens and that everyone has their own in life. The past few weeks, I have been feeling the depression coming back on and it has been frustrating me. I was complaining to my fiancé about it. Why am I like this? I don’t like that I’m made like this. I complained about this struggle of mine. I don’t want it. I wish I had a different struggle, a different burden. Anything. Or hey, even nothing at all. I’d be cool with that.    

David wrote in Psalm 119:25 and 28, “I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word…My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.” No one is exempt from burdens. Even David, as close as he was with God, experienced soul sorrow. He had burdens. He went to God with them. He asked for strength.

One line from the radio sermon today hit me. “The burdens of life are supposed to be bringing you to a deeper place of prayer.” Are these burdens given to us so that we run to Him? Depend on Him? How annoying is that? How frustrating! I’d like to think I’d run to Him on my own but apparently He doesn’t think so. He gives me this help, this reminder, in the form of a burden that I detest so much. My challenge today, for myself, is this: Don’t waste the opportunity your burdens bring. 




-Cynic Ninja

Sapling

She was lost,

and she didn't know what she felt anymore.

She was both happy and sad at the same time.

It was the most frustratingly confusing mix of emotions.

It was as if too much was happening all at once

and her mind couldn't handle it.

The changes were approaching too rapidly,

And there was no foreseeable way to stop them.

Not that she necessarily wanted to stop them.

Just slow the approach down a little.

She compared herself to the trees of the forests.

A small sapling is pliable and easily bent

but she felt like the old, weathered tree.

Beaten by the storms of life

and as this potentially big storm approached,

she couldn't help but wonder

if she'd come out on the other side

           u

     p

          r

                i

                     g

                           h

                                  t

-Cynic Ninja

Life Words

There are some things you simply don’t say to people. Well, a lot of thing, actually. Such as your breath stinks to high heaven’, I really don’t like you’, or `you have the most annoying sounding voice’. That is, if you’re a polite type of person. 

But, there are other words that you don’t say because you don’t want people to worry, be bothered, get upset. I spend my life not making waves. I learned how to pilot my boat so softly and gently that the water around me barely moved. I knew what not to say and what to avoid. I knew by intuition and careful listening and watching. I wonder if I’m still doing that. Keeping words inside, locked up tight. No. I don’t have to wonder because I know I am. I know there are thoughts I can’t let others know about; feelings I can’t share. I suppose I need to accept this because I don’t see it changing. That’s just the way life is when you protect your people.  

      

I refrain from uttering life-ending words so that others may continue their life. The irony runs high, oh so high.      

-Cynic Ninja

Tiny World Impressions

Life felt like it was finally on track

going in the right direction.

How can one week change a trajectory?

One week spent in a poor desolate country.

One week surrounded by beautiful despair.

A week of face to face with the harsh realities of life.

Not my life, but others.

                The majority, maybe.

And suddenly there are questions.

Questions about my life direction.

Questions about what I can do.

Questions without answers.

-Cynic Ninja

Lifers

Sometimes in life 

you find people

and you know instantly 

that they are going to be 

yours 

forever.

-Cynic Ninja

Movement

Running:
The only time I think of nothing 
except for the synchronized pounding of my feet to the pavement, 
counting even, 
       steady breaths, 
and how my side aches with cramps. 




-Cynic Ninja

You

You pull the curtains of my life back

when I’d already thought they were open.

You sprinkle fairy dust on my life with each breath.

You bring feelings and emotion where once there was blankness.

Every laugh brings me pleasure.

Every touch holds healing love instead of pain.

Serious conversations mix seamlessly into joking thoughts,

childhood stories, and back again.

Periods of contented silence afford me time to sit in your presence;

To smell your skin and run my lips over the rough edges of your fingernails.

Glittery diamond feelings collide with overflowing love as I look toward you.

Never doubt,

you are more than enough.

You chose me.

You are my Love.

-Cynic Ninja

Confusion is My Companion

What are you trying to pull?

What are you playing at?

You claim this is a game only I know the rules to,

but hey, I’m just as lost as you in this relationship.

You set rules and break them in the next breath.

How can I keep up?

How am I to keep my head above

when you keep toying with me as a shark with his prey?

You roughly cut me loose.

I breathe a sigh of relief, thinking

It’s over.

Then you snatch me back down.

Pull me around.

Push me away and pull me back.

I need to look up.

Up for air.

Up for light.

Up for hope and peace and Him.

-Cynic Ninja